kawaiijeishi

Pathetic.

That's the word that describes my actions nowadays. Everything I do is simply pathetic. My arts, my writing, my voice, everything. It has no meaning whatsoever. I'm sure you, the one I called me best friend, would agree with this statement. After all, you are the one who said it in the first place.

Loyal.

That's another word that could be used to describe my actions. I really do try my hardest to be as loyal to my friends as I possibly can. I would think that you, of all people, would know that. The drawings I create, the words that I write, the songs that I sing, everything I try to do is for you, my old friend. Unfortunately, you have fallen deep into the idiotic opinions of a crowd of dishonest people who don't understand the simple concept of being honest. So, you can no longer tell the difference between loyalty and being down right cold-hearted.

It's so sad to think that you'd actually go as far as to help tear up one relationship, only to mess up another. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then I'd gladly explain what I mean.

You and the other two constantly sat close together and whispered to each other in secrecy. None of you would tell me what it was you were hiding, and I accepted that fact like a loyal fool. I learned that you all were planing on breaking up two people you all paired together in the first place, only to please a girl who claimed to be lonely. That's all fine and dandy, however, once I learned about your horrid plans, I couldn't 'keep my mouth shut' . I HAD to tell the one person I though it would hurt most. Rachel, someone you all claimed to like was going to be hurt by your plan. I figured if I told Rachel what was going on, like a true friend would have, then maybe she wouldn't be in so much pain.

Telling Rachel the truth only angered every single one of you to the point of speechlessness. None of you would say a word to me due to ruining your plains to please a lonely girl. That's fine by me. It's just when I tried to apologize, even though I didn't do anything wrong, you all continued to stay angry with me. So I left. I refuse to stick around people that hurt me, and you know that.

It's funny though. Once I left the secretive group, it made you all angrier. Its almost like you didn't understand why I left you. What was I suppose to do? What could I actually do? I'll tell you what I did. I did the unspeakable. I made friends with past enemies who will most likely double cross me again, I cried for hours every night, knowing that we'd never trust each other again, I tore myself apart with the guilt of displeasing you, and I gave up on most everything I enjoy. I also decided to stand by Rachel's side and defend her even though it still hurts to go against you.

You know, everyone has told me that I did the right thing, staying loyal to Rachel like I did. They say that I showed that I truly care about her well-being. Now, if I did the right thing for Rachel, why do I feel so sad about what I've done? I know that whatever it is you are doing is keeping you and the other two pleased. I know that where ever you are, you are laughing historically at the lonely girl. I know that where ever you may be, you are going about your summer days as if I were never there. That's what I expect anyway. I never really thought of myself as 'part of the group' in the first place. Who could you blame though? You guys wouldn't tell me anything, you all have forgotten about me many times,and you guys wouldn't acknowledge me when I spoke to you. I did the opposite for you though. I told you everything, I always kept you in mind, and I listened to you when you had something to say. Why couldn't it be the same for the both of us? Maybe because everything I said or did pissed you all off.

You know, this is a hard situation for me to be in, considering I have trouble making rational decisions on my own. If it weren't for Rachel, I would have defiantly made a permanent decision to this situation. I would have found my own way out, however, SOMEONE had to be there for Rachel in the end. Even though I carry so muck pain and guilt on my back, I decided to stand by Rachel's side.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to make myself sound like some 'forgotten hero' or anything like that. I just want the three of you to understand what you plan did. It tore up two relationships: Rachel's relationship with that man-child and your relationship with me. I can't say that I hate you, however, I can say that you all are cruel and I'll even go as far as to say that you are selfish.

Someday, I hope all three of you will look back at this situation and realize what you did. Yeah, you paired a lonely girl up with a man-child. Congrats on that. However, you lost two descent friendships for the cost of a relationship that might no even last long. So yeah, congratulations to the three of you. You're freaking winners.